Now Hear This

By John Van Hecke, Executive Director & Fellow, November 18, 2011 at 11:00 am

In a couple of weeks, the University of Minnesota will conduct a second test of its new emergency alert loudspeaker system. It’s designed to better alert every campus community member in the event of an emergency. They’re not asking me but here’s my suggested script:

“Attention. Attention. This is a test of the University of Minnesota’s emergency alert loudspeaker system. It is only a test. If you can hear this message that means the system is working as designed. Do not be alarmed.

“Remember, this is only a test. It is not an actual emergency. It’s not like conservative policy leaders are gutting funding and forcing tuition increases, deferring building maintenance and laying off employees.

“No, we’re only supposed to use this system if a crazed gunmen or perhaps a tornado is loose on campus. Heaven forbid that we tell you that conservative funding policy is turning a first-rank, land grant research university—the people that brought you the Haralson apple, short stalk wheat, mainframe computers, and the heart transplant, not to mention that cool thing where our scientists used stem cells to repopulate cells in a rat’s heart—into something less.

“Remember, this is only a test. The system is designed for campus community members. But, really, would it be so bad if every Minnesotan could hear our words of concern?

“The University of Minnesota’s mission serves every Minnesotan. We taught your grandmother how to safely can food through the University’s extension service. We taught your grandfather how to stop farm soil erosion. We gave Bud Grant the opportunity to play football. Bob Dylan traded his electric guitar for an acoustic while he was a U of M student. Maude Hart Lovelace, the writer; you’ve probably never hear of her. She’s from Mankato and wrote the Betsy-Tacy novels in the 30s and 40s. She went here. So did Garrison Keillor. And, his brother, Steve. In fact, we’ve produced over 400,000 alumni.

“That’s a big deal.

“We’ve built this system to notify you, the campus community of emergencies. If decimating the University’s funding isn’t an emergency then we don’t know what is. But, again, we’re not supposed to say that. Yet, here we are, pretending to prepare for an emergency while experiencing one.

“Thank you for your attention.”

Posted in Education | Related Topics: State Budget  University of Minnesota  Education Funding